20 Signs of a Toxic Relationship (And What to Do)

At 60+, I’ve learned that recognizing signs of a toxic relationship patterns isn’t always as obvious as it seems.

Sometimes the most harmful relationships are the ones that start beautifully, with someone who seems caring and attentive. Other times, toxic behaviors develop so gradually that we normalize what should never be acceptable.

Whether it’s a romantic partner, family member, friend, or colleague, toxic relationships can drain your energy, damage your self-worth, and keep you from living the fulfilling life you deserve.

The good news? Once you recognize the signs, you can take steps to protect yourself and create healthier boundaries.

Understanding the signs of a toxic relationship can empower you to make the changes you need for a healthier life.

If you’re reading this because something feels “off” in one of your relationships, trust that instinct.

Your gut feelings are often the first indicator that something isn’t right, even when you can’t quite put your finger on what’s wrong.

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Signs of a Toxic Relationship and What to Do

What Makes a Relationship Toxic?

A toxic relationship is one where the negative interactions consistently outweigh the positive ones, leaving you feeling drained, anxious, or diminished rather than supported and valued.

Unlike healthy relationships that have occasional conflicts or rough patches, toxic relationships create persistent patterns of emotional, mental, or physical harm.

Key characteristics of toxic relationships include:

• Consistent negative impact on your mental health and well-being
• Patterns of manipulation, control, or emotional abuse
• Lack of respect for your boundaries, feelings, or autonomy
• One-sided dynamics where one person consistently takes while the other gives
• Fear-based interactions where you’re walking on eggshells
• Erosion of your self-esteem and confidence over time

It’s important to understand that toxic relationships aren’t always intentionally malicious. Sometimes people create toxic dynamics because of their own unhealed wounds, mental health issues, or learned behaviors.

That said, understanding the “why” doesn’t mean you have to accept harmful treatment.

20 Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship:

Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship isn’t always easy—especially when you’re deeply invested. Toxic patterns often start subtly and build over time, leaving you feeling drained, confused, or questioning your own worth.

Here are 20 toxic relationship signs that may indicate you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

1. You Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells

You constantly monitor your words (filter yourself) and actions to avoid triggering their anger, disappointment, or withdrawal.

Living in fear of someone’s reactions creates chronic stress and prevents authentic communication. Healthy relationships should feel safe, not like a minefield.

Examples of walking on eggshells in a toxic relationship:

• Rehearsing conversations before having them
• Avoiding certain topics altogether
• Feeling anxious about their mood when they come home
• Changing your behavior based on their emotional state
• Filtering yourself to avoid conflict or drama

2. They Use Guilt and Manipulation to Control You

They make you feel guilty for having needs, spending time with others, or making decisions they don’t like.

Manipulation prevents genuine choice and creates a relationship based on obligation rather than love and respect.

Red flag phrases in toxic relationships:

• “You’re being too sensitive”
• “You are stuck in the past.”
• “I was just joking, you can’t take a joke”
• “You’re making me do this”
• “If you leave me, I’ll…”
• “Nobody else will love you like I do”

3. Your Self-Esteem Has Flatlined

You used to feel confident and capable, but now you question your judgment, abilities, and worth. You might find yourself thinking, “Maybe I am too sensitive” or “Maybe I’m the problem.”

Healthy relationships should build you up, not tear you down. If your self-worth is declining, examine whether the relationship is contributing to these feelings.

Signs your self-esteem is being damaged:

• You doubt your own memories or perceptions
• You may apologize frequently, even for things that aren’t your fault
• You feel like you can’t do anything right
• You feel like you can never keep your partner happy
• You’ve stopped pursuing interests or goals you once cared about

Related Article: How to Re-Charge Your Self-Esteem

4. They Isolate You from Friends and Family

They discourage your relationships with others through criticism, scheduling conflicts, or creating drama around social events.

Isolation makes you more dependent on them and removes your support system. Healthy partners encourage your other relationships.

Isolation tactics in toxic relationships include:

• Criticizing your friends or family
• Comments like: “I like to have you all to myself” or “I don’t like to share you.”
• Creating emergencies or drama when you have social plans
• Making you choose between them and others
• Moving you away from your support network
• Monitoring your communications with others

5. You Apologize to Keep the Peace

Regardless of what happens, you find yourself apologizing to keep the peace. Even when they’re clearly wrong, somehow you end up being the one saying sorry.

Or, they apologize only to repeat the negative behavior. (which means they were never sorry)

This creates an imbalanced dynamic where one person never takes responsibility for their actions.

This pattern might look like:

• You apologize for their bad behavior affecting you
• You say sorry for having emotional reactions to their treatment
• You take blame for their choices or mistakes
• You apologize for bringing up legitimate concerns
• You allow them to recklessly say they are sorry with no change

6. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

What it looks like: You’ve expressed your limits clearly, but they consistently push past them or act like your boundaries are unreasonable.

Why it’s toxic: Boundary violations show a fundamental lack of respect for your autonomy and well-being. Healthy relationships honor and respect clearly stated boundaries. Period.

Boundary violations in toxic relationships include:

• Continuing behaviors you’ve asked them to stop
• Pressuring you into things you’re not comfortable with
• Dismissing your boundaries as silly, unnecessary or unreasonable
• Using your boundaries against you in arguments
• Punishing you for maintaining your limits

Related Articles: Healthy Boundaries for Women + How to Draw Boundaries after Betrayal

7. Communication is Destructive

Healthy communication should aim for understanding and resolution, not victory or punishment.

Conversations frequently escalate into fights, involve name-calling, or include threats, gaslighting, blame-shifting, etc.

They might use silent treatment, gaslighting, lovebombing, blame-shifting, shaming, or bringing up past mistakes to win arguments.

Destructive communication patterns in a toxic relationship:

• Name-calling or personal attacks during disagreements
• Bringing up unrelated past issues during current conflicts
• Threatening to leave or hurt themselves during arguments
• Refusing to discuss problems or giving silent treatment
• Gaslighting or denying things they clearly said or did
• Deflecting, making it about the response to the disrespect, rather than the disrespect itself.

8. You’ve Lost Touch with Your Own Needs and Desires

You’re so focused on managing their emotions and needs that you’ve forgotten what you want.

Why it’s toxic: Healthy relationships allow both people to maintain their individual identity and pursue their own goals and interests.

Signs you’ve lost yourself in a toxic relationship:

• You can’t remember what you enjoyed before this relationship
• You automatically defer to their preferences
• You feel guilty for wanting things they don’t want
• You’ve given up hobbies or interests to accommodate them
• You don’t know how you feel about things anymore

9. They Show Little Empathy for Your Feelings

When you’re hurt, upset, sick, or struggling, they dismiss your feelings, minimize your pain, or make it about them.

Why it’s toxic: Empathy is fundamental to healthy relationships. Partners should care about your emotional well-being and want to understand your perspective.

What a Lack of empathy looks like in toxic relationships:

• Dismissing your feelings as “wrong” or “too much”
• Continuing hurtful behavior after you’ve explained how it affects you
• Making your pain about them
• Showing more concern for strangers than for your feelings
• Being unable or unwilling to see your perspective

10. You Feel Exhausted by the Relationship

Interactions with this person consistently drain your energy rather than replenish it. You might feel tired, anxious, or depressed after spending time with them.

Why it’s toxic: Healthy relationships should generally add positive energy to your life, not constantly deplete it.

Emotional exhaustion signs in a toxic relationship:

• You need recovery time after being with them
• You dread their calls, texts, or visits
• You feel emotionally drained even during “good” times
• You find yourself making excuses to avoid them
• You feel relieved when they’re not around

11. They Have Explosive Anger or Mood Swings

Their anger is disproportionate to the situation, unpredictable, or used to control your behavior. You may find yourself avoiding specific topics or actions because you never know what will trigger them.

Explosive anger creates a climate of fear and prevents honest communication. While everyone gets angry sometimes, healthy anger is proportionate and constructive.

Concerning anger patterns in toxic relationships:

• Rage that seems disproportionate to the trigger
• Anger that includes threats, intimidation, or violence
• Using anger to shut down conversations or get their way
• Punching walls, throwing things, or other intimidating behaviors
• Anger followed by excessive apologies and promises to change

12. You Make Excuses for Their Behavior (or covering it up altogether)

You find yourself explaining away their hurtful actions to yourself and others.

You might say things like “They’re just stressed” or “They don’t mean it when they say those things.” Or worse, you cover it up (or sweep it under the carpet) altogether to avoid having to deal with it.

Why it’s toxic: Constantly making excuses prevents you from seeing the relationship clearly and keeps you stuck in harmful patterns.

13. They Don’t Support Your Growth or Success

They discourage your goals, minimize your achievements, or seem threatened by your success. They might sabotage important events or make you feel guilty for pursuing your dreams.

Healthy partners celebrate your growth and want to see you succeed. They don’t view your success as a threat to the relationship.

14. You Find Yourself Lying to Protect Them or the Relationship

You lie to friends and family about how they treat you, make excuses for their absence at important events, or hide relationship problems to maintain the image that everything is fine.

Feeling the need to lie about your relationship is a strong indicator or red flag that something is seriously wrong.

Healthy relationships are built on honesty and trust, so there’s no need for deception to keep them strong.

What lying looks like in a toxic relationship:

• Covering up their hurtful behavior to others
• Making excuses for why they can’t attend events
• Pretending to be happy when you’re not
• Hiding financial or other relationship problems
• Lying about bruises, emotional distress, or other consequences

15. You’ve Started Exhibiting Toxic Behaviors Yourself

You find yourself being more manipulative, angry, or controlling than you used to be. You might think, “This isn’t who I am,” but feel like their behavior is bringing out the worst in you.

Toxic relationships can bring out toxic responses as you try to protect yourself or fight fire with fire. This creates a destructive cycle or dance that damages both people.

Signs you’re becoming toxic too:

• You’re more jealous or controlling than usual
• You find yourself lying or manipulating to get your needs met
• You’re angrier or more reactive than you should be
• You find yourself being triggered more often
• You’re using guilt or threats to influence their behavior
• You don’t recognize yourself in the mirror

16. They Use Love Bombing Followed by Withdrawal

Early in the relationship, they showered you with excessive attention, gifts, and affection. Now they use intermittent reinforcement—giving you just enough positive attention to keep you hoping for more, followed by periods of coldness or rejection.

Love bombing creates an artificial high that becomes addictive. The subsequent withdrawal keeps you constantly trying to get back to that initial feeling, creating emotional dependency.

Love bombing in a toxic relationship:

• Overwhelming you with gifts, attention, and declarations of love very early
• Moving the relationship forward extremely quickly
• Making you feel like you’re “soulmates” or “meant to be” within days or weeks
• Following intense connection with periods of emotional distance
• Using past love bombing as evidence of their love during current conflicts

17. They Gaslight You and Distort Your Reality

They consistently deny things they said or did, tell you that events didn’t happen the way you remember them, or convince you that your perceptions are wrong.

You start questioning your memory and sanity. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your own reality.

Being gaslighted erodes your confidence in your perceptions and increases your reliance on their version of events.

Gaslighting tactics in toxic relationships include:

• Denying conversations or events that clearly happened
• Telling you “that never happened” when you bring up their hurtful behavior
• Claiming you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you react to their treatment
• Rewriting history to make themselves look better
• Dismissing serious acts of disrespect as trivial.
• Using phrases like “you’re imagining things” or “you’re being paranoid”
• Making you question your own memories and perceptions

18. They Exercise Financial Control and Abuse

They control your access to money, monitor your spending, prevent you from working, or use financial resources to manipulate your behavior.

They may hide financial information or use money as a means of manipulation in arguments.

Financial abuse creates dependency and makes it difficult to leave the relationship. It’s a form of control that can trap you in harmful situations.

Financial abuse in toxic relationships includes:

• Preventing you from working or sabotaging your employment
• Taking your paychecks or controlling all household money
• Hiding bank accounts, credit cards, or financial information
• Running up debt in your name without your knowledge
• Using money to control your activities or relationships
• Threatening financial consequences if you don’t comply with their demands
• Giving you “allowances” or making you ask for money for basic needs

19. They Display Excessive Controlling Behaviors

They need to know your location at all times, who you’re with, and what you’re doing. They might check your phone, stalk your social media, dictate what you wear, or make decisions for you without your input.

Excessive control violates your autonomy and treats you like property rather than an equal partner.

Healthy relationships respect individual freedom and decision-making.

Controlling, toxic behaviors include:

• Monitoring your phone calls, texts, emails, or social media
• Tracking your location or showing up unexpectedly to “check on you”
• Dictating what you can wear, eat, or how you present yourself
• Making major decisions without consulting you
• Controlling your access to transportation, friends, or family
• Demanding passwords to all your accounts
• Forbidding you from certain activities or relationships
• Making you ask permission for normal activities

20. (Last But Not Least) They Use Reactive Abuse and DARVO Tactics

What it looks like: They do something disrespectful or hurtful. When you react with understandable anger or hurt, they immediately shift the focus to your reaction instead of their original behavior.

Suddenly, YOU become the problem for being “too angry,” “dramatic,” or “overreacting.”

This is a manipulation tactic called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) that deflects accountability and makes you question whether your normal emotional responses are appropriate.

This toxic tactic allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

DARVO and reactive abuse in toxic relationships:

• Doing something hurtful, then focusing on your “anger problem” when you react
• Saying “Look how you’re acting!” instead of addressing what they did
• Claiming you’re “being crazy” or “dramatic” when you express hurt
• Refusing to discuss the issue because of your “tone” or emotional response
• Making you apologize for being upset about their disrespectful behavior
• Using phrases like “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this”
• Portraying themselves as the victim of your “overreaction”
• Making you feel guilty for having normal human emotions in response to mistreatment

What to Do If You Are In a Toxic Relationship

Recognizing toxic relationship patterns is the first step toward change. Here’s what you can do to protect yourself and work toward healthier dynamics:

Immediate Steps for Your Safety and Well-being

1. Trust Your Instincts If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don’t dismiss your gut feelings or let anyone convince you that your perceptions are wrong.

2. Document Concerning Behaviors Keep a record of incidents, including dates and details. This helps you see patterns clearly and validates your experiences when you start to doubt yourself.

3. Reach Out for Support Connect with trusted friends, family members, or a counselor who can provide perspective and emotional support. Isolation makes toxic relationships worse.

4. Prioritize Your Safety If you’re experiencing physical abuse or threats, prioritize your immediate safety.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for resources and safety planning.

Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships

Start with Clear Communication

Express your boundaries clearly and directly. Use “I” statements like “I will not tolerate being spoken to that way” or “I need you to respect my decision about this.”

Be Prepared for Resistance

Toxic individuals often escalate their behavior when you start setting boundaries. This is called an “extinction burst” and is actually a sign that your boundaries are working.

Follow Through with Consequences 

Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. Be prepared to enforce your limits by removing yourself from situations or limiting contact when boundaries are violated.

Don’t JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

You don’t need to justify your boundaries or convince them that your limits are reasonable. State your boundary and stick to it.

Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave a Toxic Relationship

This is often the most difficult decision in toxic relationship situations. Consider these factors:

Reasons to consider working on a toxic relationship:

• They acknowledge the problems and are actively seeking help
• The toxic behaviors are recent and connected to a specific stressor
• They respect your boundaries when you set them
• You see genuine change, not just promises
• You have shared children or circumstances that make leaving complicated

Reasons to consider leaving a Toxic Relationship:

• They deny there’s a problem or blame you for everything
• The behavior is escalating or becoming dangerous
• Your physical or mental health is suffering significantly
• They violate your boundaries repeatedly
• You’ve lost yourself completely in this relationship
• You’re staying only out of fear, obligation, or guilt

Building Your Support System

1. Reconnect with People You’ve Lost Touch With Toxic relationships often isolate us from our support systems.

Reach out to friends or family members with whom you may have lost touch and tell them what’s going on.

2. Find Professional Support. Consider working with a therapist who specializes in relationship issues or trauma. They can help you process your experiences and develop healthy coping strategies.

3. Join Support Groups Whether online or in person, connecting with others who understand toxic relationship dynamics can provide validation and practical advice.

4. Rebuild Your Identity Start reconnecting with activities, interests, and goals that matter to you. Rediscover who you are outside of this toxic relationship.

Healing and Moving Forward From a Toxic Relationship

Whether you choose to work on the relationship or leave it, healing from toxic relationship patterns takes time and intentional effort.

Physical Self-Care:

• Prioritize sleep, nutrition, and exercise
• Consider massage, yoga, or other body-based healing practices
• Get medical care if your health has suffered

Emotional Self-Care:

• Practice self-compassion rather than self-blame
• Allow yourself to feel and process difficult emotions
• Celebrate small victories in your healing journey

Mental Self-Care:

• Challenge negative self-talk that developed during the toxic relationship
• Practice mindfulness or meditation to reconnect with yourself
• Read books about healthy relationships and personal growth

Spiritual Self-Care:

• Reconnect with your faith or spiritual practices.
• Spend time in prayer, meditation, or in nature
• Remember that you are worthy of love and respect

Red Flags to Watch for in Future Relationships

Once you’ve experienced a toxic relationship, it’s important to know what to watch for in future connections:

• Love bombing – Excessive attention and affection early in the relationship
• Pushing for quick commitment or moving the relationship forward rapidly
• Disrespecting your boundaries during the dating process
• Speaking negatively about all their ex-partners
• Isolating behaviors that start early in the relationship
• Controlling tendencies disguised as “caring” or “protection”

Building Healthy Relationship Skills

Learn to communicate assertively without being aggressive or passive Practice setting and maintaining boundaries in all your relationships .

Develop emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Learn to recognize and express your own needs and desires.

Build conflict resolution skills that focus on understanding rather than winning

When Professional Help is Essential

Some situations require professional intervention. Seek immediate help if:

• You’re experiencing physical abuse or threats of violence
• You’re having thoughts of suicide or self-harm
• You’re struggling with substance abuse as a way to cope
• You have children who are being affected by the toxic dynamics
• You’re experiencing symptoms of PTSD, severe depression, or anxiety

Crisis Resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Final Thoughts on Signs of a Toxic Relationship

If you’re currently in a toxic relationship, please know that you deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and genuine care. You deserve relationships that build you up rather than tear you down.

Recognizing toxic patterns is courageous, and taking steps to protect yourself takes even more courage. Whether you’re setting boundaries within the relationship or deciding to leave, trust that you have the strength to create a healthier, happier life.

Remember that healing is possible. Many people have escaped toxic relationships and gone on to build fulfilling, healthy connections with others. Your past doesn’t determine your future, and the patterns you’ve experienced don’t have to continue.

Take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself, and reach out for support when you need it. You’re worth the effort it takes to heal and grow.

Your journey toward healthier relationships starts with recognizing what you deserve. You deserve love, respect, and peace in your relationships.

XO, Christine