Understanding Your Self-Concept and Self-Esteem: Women 40+

Hello and welcome to my article about understanding self-concept and self-esteem, and how they relate to understanding our identity. I’m so glad you are here!

After decades of therapy sessions, countless self-help books, and honest conversations with myself in the mirror, I’ve learned something profound: the battles we fight with ourselves often come down to two things we frequently confuse – self-concept and self-esteem.

If you’ve ever sat in a therapist’s office wondering why you feel so lost some days and empowered others, you’re not alone.

At 63, having walked this path of self-discovery since I was 18, I can tell you that understanding the difference between knowing who you are and liking who you are has been life-changing.

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What Is Self-Concept Vs Self-Esteem?

Self-Concept: (The “Who Am I?” Question)

Let me start with a story. Years ago, in one of my many therapy sessions, my counselor asked me to describe myself. I rattled off my roles: mother, wife, friend, etc.

But she gently pushed deeper. “Who are you when all those roles are stripped away?”

That’s self-concept – your internal autobiography, the collection of beliefs and perceptions you hold about yourself.

It’s like having a detailed character profile of yourself that includes your personality traits, abilities, values, and how you see yourself fitting into the world.

Building Blocks of Your Self-Concept and Understanding Identity

Through years of self-evaluation and therapeutic work, I’ve learned that self-concept has several layers:

Personal Identity: This is your core self – your personality, values, and what makes you uniquely you.

For me, this includes my foundation of faith, being naturally curious, valuing authenticity, and having a tendency toward overthinking (thanks, anxiety!).

Social Identity: How you see yourself in relationships and groups.

I’m someone’s daughter, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

These social psychology connections shape my understanding of my place in the world.

Physical Self: Your relationship with your body and physical capabilities.

This one’s been a journey – from the body image struggles of my younger years to learning self-acceptance in my sixties.

Professional/Academic Self: Your beliefs about your capabilities and intelligence.

Years of positive psychology work helped me recognize that intelligence comes in many forms, and mine is valid.

Emotional Self: Understanding your emotional patterns and emotional intelligence.

This has been my biggest area of growth through decades of therapy and self-reflection.

What Is Self Esteem? (The “Do I Like Who I Am?” Question)

Here’s where it gets tricky, and honestly, where I’ve struggled most.

Self-esteem isn’t about knowing who you are – it’s about how you feel about who you are.

It’s the difference between saying “I am someone who struggles with anger” (self-concept) and “I’m worthless because I feel angry” (low self-esteem).

Self-esteem is that inner voice that evaluates your self-worth.

After years of cognitive psychology work and therapy, I’ve learned it’s not about thinking you’re perfect – it’s about believing you deserve love and respect, flaws and all.

What Healthy Self Esteem Looks Like

Through my journey of personal development, I’ve discovered that healthy self-esteem includes:

Self-Worth: The deep-down belief that you matter, regardless of your achievements or mistakes.

This was a tough one for me – I spent years thinking my worth was tied to being “good enough” for others.

Self-Confidence: Trusting yourself to handle life’s challenges.

Not because you’ll never fail, but because you know you can pick yourself up when you do.

Self-Respect: Setting boundaries and treating yourself with kindness.

Learning to say no without guilt was revolutionary for my psychological well-being.

Self-Acceptance: Embracing both your strengths and struggles. Yes, I have anxiety.

Yes, I sometimes overthink. And yes, I’m still worthy of love and belonging.

Self-Concept and Self-Esteem: What I’ve Learned

Let me share what decades of therapy, self-reflection, and yes, some hard-won wisdom have taught me about self-concept and self-esteem:

1. One Is About Facts, One Is About Feelings

Your self-concept is descriptive – it’s the facts about who you are.

“I am someone who feels deeply, loves fiercely, and sometimes struggles to set boundaries.” That’s just information, like reading a character description in a book.

Self-esteem is evaluative – it’s how you feel about those facts.

Do you judge yourself harshly for feeling deeply? Do you celebrate your capacity for love? Do you beat yourself up for boundary struggles, or do you see them as areas for growth?

I spent years having a fairly accurate self-concept but terrible self-esteem.

I knew exactly who I was – I just hated most of it. And self-hatred, well, that’s another post altogether.

2. Self-Concept Changes Slowly, Self-Esteem Fluctuates

Your core identity development happens gradually.

The fundamental “who you are” shifts slowly over months and years through new experiences and insights from therapy or personal growth work.

But self-esteem? Oh, honey, that can change with the weather.

One day, you feel capable and worthy; the next day, a single critical comment can send you spiraling. Understanding this helped me stop judging myself for having “bad self-esteem days.”

3. Where Self-concept and Self-Esteem Come From

Self-concept develops through lived experience and self-evaluation. Every therapy session, every relationship, every success and failure adds to your understanding of who you are.

Self-esteem often comes from childhood development patterns and the messages we internalized growing up.

Those critical voices? They usually aren’t even ours – they’re echoes of parents, teachers, or society telling us we weren’t enough.

4. How Self-concept and Self-Esteem Affect Your Daily Life

A clear self-concept helps you make authentic choices. When I finally understood my values and needs, I stopped trying to be who others wanted me to be.

Self-esteem affects your courage to live authentically.

High self-esteem gives you permission to be yourself, even when it’s scary. Low self-esteem keeps you playing small, seeking approval, avoiding risks.

The Beautiful Dance Between Self-Concept and Self-Esteem

Here’s what I wish someone had told me in my early therapy sessions: these two work together like dance partners.

Your self-concept provides the foundation, and self-esteem determines how you feel about that foundation.

When I developed a more accurate, compassionate self-concept through years of therapeutic work, my self-esteem naturally became more stable.

I stopped hating parts of myself I couldn’t change and started appreciating the whole package – anxiety, sensitivity, stubbornness, and all.

The Growth Cycle I’ve Witnessed

Through decades of personal development work, I’ve seen this pattern:

• Learning to see yourself clearly (self-concept work) often leads to greater self-acceptance
• Self-acceptance boosts your willingness to try new things and take healthy risks
• New experiences teach you more about yourself, enriching your self-concept
• This cycle continues, creating steady growth in both self-knowledge and self-appreciation

It’s like tending a garden – some seasons are about planting seeds (new self-knowledge), others are about nurturing what’s growing (building self-esteem), and sometimes you need to weed out old, harmful beliefs.

Red Flags I’ve Learned to Watch For

After years of therapy and self-reflection, I can spot the warning signs when either my self-concept or self-esteem needs attention:

When Your Self-Concept Needs Work:

• You feel like you’re constantly wearing masks or pretending to be someone else
• You have no idea what you actually want (versus what others want for you)
• You define yourself entirely through your relationships or achievements
• You feel lost when major life changes happen (kids leave home, career shifts, etc.)
• You consistently feel misunderstood by others

When Your Self-Esteem Needs Attention:

• You need constant reassurance from others to feel okay about yourself
• You avoid trying new things because you’re terrified of failure
• You can’t accept compliments – they literally bounce off you
• You apologize for everything, even things that aren’t your fault
• You stay in relationships or situations that don’t serve you because you don’t think you deserve better

I’ve been in all these places at different times in my life. The good news? Recognition is the first step toward change.

What’s Actually Helped Me (And Might Help You Too)

Let me share some practical strategies that have made a real difference in my journey.

These aren’t just textbook recommendations – they’re battle-tested tools from someone who’s walked this path.

Building a Clearer Self-Concept:

The Daily Check-In: Each evening, I ask myself, “What did I learn about myself today?” Sometimes it’s small – “I really don’t like crowds when I’m tired.” Sometimes it’s bigger – “I value harmony more than being right.”

Values Archaeology: I spent time digging into what I actually value versus what I was taught to value.

Turns out, achievement mattered less to me than authenticity, even though I’d been chasing gold stars my whole life.

Feedback Collection: I asked trusted friends what they saw as my strengths and blind spots.

Warning: this takes courage, but the insights are invaluable for identity development.

Role Examination: I listed all my roles (wife, mother, friend, artist, etc.) and asked which ones felt authentic versus which ones I was performing.

This was eye-opening.

Nurturing Healthier Self-Esteem:

The Self-Compassion Practice: When I catch myself in negative self-talk, I ask, “Would I say this to my best friend?”

Usually, the answer is a horrified “No!” So I practice speaking to myself with the same kindness.

Small Wins Celebration: I keep a “victory log” of small daily accomplishments. Made a difficult phone call? Victory. Set a boundary? Victory. This builds evidence that I’m capable.

The Anxiety Reframe: Instead of “I’m broken because I have anxiety,” I practice “I’m human and I feel things deeply.” This shifted from self-attack to self-understanding.

Progress Over Perfection: I measure growth in months and years, not days. Bad self-esteem days are just weather – they pass.

Related: Breaking Free from Perfectionism and People-Pleasing

The Role of Others (And Learning Boundaries)

One thing that took me years to understand: other people are mirrors, not judges.

Through social psychology, I learned that others can help you see yourself more clearly, but they don’t get to determine your worth.

For Self-Concept: Friends and family can point out patterns you don’t see. “You always light up when you talk about…” or “Have you noticed you tend to…” This feedback helps build a more complete picture of who you are.

For Self-Esteem: Here’s the tricky part – while others’ opinions can influence how you feel about yourself, healthy self-esteem ultimately comes from internal validation.

Learning this in my forties was both liberating and terrifying.

If my worth doesn’t come from others’ approval, where does it come from? (Answer: from simply being human and worthy of love by default.)

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Through therapy, I learned that boundaries aren’t walls – they’re gates with you as the gatekeeper. You get to decide:

• Whose opinions you value and consider
• How much feedback you’re ready to hear at any given time
• Which relationships support your growth versus which ones tear you down
• When to listen to others and when to trust your own inner knowing

This boundary-setting has been crucial for maintaining both a clear self-concept and stable self-esteem as I’ve moved through different life stages from young adulthood through my sixties.

Related: How to Set Healthy Boundaries as a Woman

Myths I Believed About Self-concept and Self-Esteem (And You Might Too)

Let me bust some myths that kept me stuck for years:

Myth: “High self-esteem means thinking you’re better than everyone else.” 

Reality: Healthy self-esteem is quiet confidence, not arrogance. It’s knowing you’re imperfect and worthy at the same time. When I stopped trying to be better than others and started focusing on being authentically me, everything changed.

Myth: “Your self-concept is fixed – you are who you are.” 

Reality: Honey, I’m not the same person I was at 18, 30, or even 50. Identity development continues throughout life. Every decade has brought new self-discoveries, especially during major life transitions like menopause, kids leaving home, or career changes.

Myth: “You should focus only on your positive qualities.” 

Reality: A healthy self-concept includes the whole picture – strengths, struggles, quirks, and all. I spent years trying to hide my anxiety and sensitivity. Now I see them as part of my emotional intelligence and depth.

Myth: “If you work on yourself enough, you’ll always feel good about yourself.” 

Reality: Even after decades of therapy and personal development, I still have days when my self-esteem takes a hit. The difference is, now I know it’s temporary weather, not permanent climate.

When to Seek Professional Help (From Someone Who’s Been There)

I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 18, and I want to normalize this for you.

Getting professional help isn’t a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of wisdom.

Consider working with a therapist or counselor if you’re experiencing:

• Persistent negative self-talk that feels like a broken record you can’t turn off
• Complete inability to see any good in yourself, even when others point it out
• Avoiding all challenges or new experiences because the fear of failure is paralyzing
• Relationships consistently suffering because you don’t believe you deserve love or respect
• Feeling completely lost about who you are, especially during life transitions

I’ve worked with therapists who specialized in cognitive psychology, positive psychology, and various other approaches. The key is finding someone who feels like a good fit for your personality and goals.

Different Types of Therapy That Helped Me:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helped me identify and change negative thought patterns that were destroying my self-esteem.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Taught me to accept difficult emotions while still moving toward my values.

Narrative Therapy: Helped me rewrite the story I told about myself from victim to survivor to thriver.

Remember, therapy isn’t about “fixing” yourself – you’re not broken. It’s about understanding yourself better and developing healthier ways of thinking and being in the world.

Moving Forward: Understanding Your Identity

If you’ve read this far, you probably recognize yourself in some of these struggles in understanding your identity.

I want you to know that understanding the difference between self-concept and self-esteem is truly life-changing work, but it’s also ongoing work.

At 63, I’m still learning new things about myself.

I’m still working on treating myself with the same compassion I show others. I still have days when my self-esteem feels fragile. And you know what? That’s perfectly normal and human.

The goal isn’t to achieve perfect self-knowledge or unshakeable self-esteem.

The goal is to develop a friendly, curious relationship with yourself.

To become someone who can look in the mirror and say, “There you are, you beautiful, complicated, imperfect human being. I see you, and you’re enough.”

Your Next Steps:

Start small. Pick one area – either self-concept work (getting to know yourself better) or self-esteem work (treating yourself more kindly).

You don’t have to tackle everything at once.

Be patient with yourself. This is decades-long work, not a quick fix. I’m still discovering new layers of myself in my sixties.

Consider getting professional support. A good therapist can be like having a skilled guide on a rugged hiking trail – they can help you navigate the terrain more safely and efficiently.

Remember: that psychological well-being isn’t a destination you arrive at; it’s a practice you cultivate day by day, year by year.

FAQ: Self-Concept and Self-Esteem (In Real Life)

What’s the real difference between self-concept vs self-esteem?

Great question—and one I used to mix up all the time.

Here’s how I think of it now: self-concept is how you see yourself—your identity, roles, strengths, quirks, and everything in between.

Self-esteem is how you feel about that version of yourself. So, for example, you might know you’re a kind person who works hard (that’s your self-concept), but still feel like you’re not “good enough” (that’s self-esteem).

Understanding this difference helped me begin to untangle some of my inner struggles.

Can someone have a clear self-concept but still struggle with low self-esteem?

Yes—this was me for years. I could describe myself in detail, knew my values and strengths, but deep down, I often felt unworthy or insecure.

So even though I had a solid sense of who I was, my self-esteem didn’t match. Knowing the difference helped me focus on healing that emotional gap.

Why does it matter to understand self-concept vs self-esteem?

Because once you do, you can get honest with yourself—and that’s where real growth starts.

When I realized my self-concept was mostly intact but my self-esteem was shaky, I could finally work on building myself up in a healthier, more sustainable way. It’s like finding the missing puzzle piece to self-understanding.

How do self-concept vs self-esteem affect our daily lives?

In more ways than we realize. Your self-concept influences your decisions—what jobs you take, how you present yourself, what you believe you’re capable of.

Self-esteem shows up in your confidence, your relationships, and your ability to bounce back when life gets hard.

When both are aligned, you feel more grounded, motivated, and at peace.

Which comes first—self-concept or self-esteem?

For most of us, self-concept forms first. As we grow up and experience life, we start forming beliefs about who we are.

Then, based on how we (and others) respond to that identity, our self-esteem develops. But here’s the good news: no matter what stage you’re at, you can always work on both.

Can changing your self-concept improve your self-esteem?

Yes—and I say that from experience. When I began shifting my perspective on myself (not just focusing on my flaws, but also acknowledging my strengths), I noticed my self-esteem slowly rising as well. It didn’t happen overnight, but it’s possible.

Are self-concept and self-esteem part of your identity?

Definitely. Think of your self-concept as the “what” of your identity, and self-esteem as the “how you feel about it.” Together, they shape how you show up in the world—and how you treat yourself along the way.

A Final Thought: Self-Concept and. Self-Esteem

The relationship you have with yourself is the longest relationship you’ll ever have.

It’s worth investing in. It’s worth fighting for. It’s worth the time, energy, and yes, sometimes the therapy bills.

You deserve to know yourself deeply and love yourself fully – not despite your imperfections, but including them.

Your self-concept and self-esteem are not fixed destinations but ongoing journeys of identity development and personal growth.

The work is hard, but you’re worth it.

And if a 63-year-old woman who’s been battling these issues since she was 18 can find peace and self-acceptance, so can you.

Wishing you love and grace in the struggle,

XO, Christine

More Reading: 100 Random Things about me (just for fun)